Formula for Success: The XYZ Statement
- Developed by PREP, the XYZ Statement is a simple formula that will have a powerful effect on your relationships. It’s a great way to ask for what you want and to encourage others to change because it includes information that can be implemented.
- To communicate effectively, just follow this guideline the next time you want to express appreciation or share a concern:
When you did X,
In situation Y,
I felt Z.
Good Examples of XYZ Statements
- When you made dinner (X) today (Y), I felt really special (Z).
- When you ignored me (X) last night (Y), I felt hurt and disappointed (Z).
- Thanks for babysitting the kids (XY). I feel so pampered (Z).
- I felt so humiliated (Z) when you yelled at me (X) in front of your parents (Y).
- When you showed up 15 minutes late (X) for our appointment with the imam (Y), I was very embarrassed (Z).
Bad Examples of XYZ Statements
When you leave your dishes in the sink, I feel like you are a slob.
- Slob is not a feeling; it’s name-calling. Instead of addressing the behavior that you dislike, you’re basically implying that it is part of their character and that they can’t change.
- Alternative: It bothers me when you leave your dishes in the sink without washing them.
You never listen to me when I talk. You’re so inconsiderate.
- Don’t over generalize. Using phrases such as “you always” or “you never” implies that the behavior happens 100% of the time, and that the issue is so big that it can never change.
- "You're so inconsiderate" does not describe your emotions, and does not describe how you were affected. It focuses on the other person (rather than focusing on you) and is the assignment of a negative character attribute to the other person. (Sometimes this is referred to as "character assasination.")
- Alternative: When you watch TV while I’m talking, I don’t feel heard or understood.
When we went out to dinner today, I know you didn’t want to go anyways.
- Don’t assume you know what the other person is thinking or intending. (No one can know with certainty what someone else is thinking or intending.) You fuel your own anger when you assume negative motives.
- Alternative: When you hesitated, I wasn’t so sure that you wanted to go.
In the bad examples above, the focus is placed on others instead of on ourselves, making it more likely that we will receive an angry and defensive reaction. Let’s take responsibility and focus on ourselves first.
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A Better Way
- Remember your earlier statements? Change them now to XYZ Statements. Do you see a difference between your XYZ statements and the earlier ones? Is it easier to communicate? Will the reactions be different?
- XYZ statements are more specific, and result in greater awareness about needs, wants, and desires. They emphasize our experiences and feelings.
- Most of us don’t like hearing something negative about ourselves, but XYZ Statements make it easier to raise concerns in a gentle, respectful, and honest way.
- When we know how certain behaviors affect others, we are more motivated to change and more likely to accumulate positives than negatives!
- Let’s work on increasing those positives!
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